I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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