conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I need to sanitize my soul.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
