can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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