last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
