i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Randomize
