I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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