no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
