Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
