he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Randomize
