I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize