2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
