dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
