Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
