just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
