apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize