I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
So drunk its hurt
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
