Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
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