i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Come on in and take your pants off
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