I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize