The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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