before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
