Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Randomize
