I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
