The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
as a side note pls kill me
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
