I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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