it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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