i think my mom watched the whole time
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
