My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
