Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize