I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
