And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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