When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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