Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
time to smoke my breakfast
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
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