he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
