A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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