I wish I could teleport
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
