sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
