I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
