The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
