M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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