I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Randomize