Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize
