While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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