You smell like stripper and shame
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
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