I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize