how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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