I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
