My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
It was confusing and full of hummus
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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