Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
i've created a new STD.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
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