I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
