I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Randomize
