i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
