He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
