I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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