Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize