On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
