Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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