All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
