Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Randomize
